Good Vibrations

Yeah, I know. Marky Mark. But still...I couldn't think of a better way to title this entry, so bite me. ;)

Yeah, it's been a pretty damn good day. The Hawks played well tonight, shutting out the Capitals 5-0. The tourney starts tomorrow. And I finally got to talk to my best friend, who's been crazy busy lately.

It didn't seem like today was going to be a good day, much less a great one. I walk into the bank this morning and before I even have my coat off, the annoying teller is asking me to take care of some problem with a customer. I had a "this is what you did wrong on this situation so don't do that again" voicemail when I got to my desk and I'm just plain tired from working 6 days a week for the last month and a half. Plus I have this annoying nagging cough that just won't go away. I really really really really REALLY didn't want to be there.

But things got better this afternoon. I read a book that a friend mailed to me, a fantastic little book that gave me a lot of insight into how she looks at things. It fit her, the ideas behind it, the way it looked at life and the slightly crazy plot line. It was short, yet incredibly insightful and deep. A lot deeper than I thought 190 pages would be. It'll give me something to talk to her about when I talk to her next. Plus it made me laugh a lot, something I needed rather badly.

Then my friend called me on his way home and we got a chance to catch up. It's strange how things that are so wrong can change just by talking them over with someone you trust. So I'm doing better, in case you were worried. And thank you to those of you who reached out to me recently. I do appreciate it. I feel blessed to know you.

Dear Prudence

I went over to my parent's house for dinner tonight to celebrate my brother's birthday. It seemed like a typical evening when I was there but tonight was a little different. After all, I've been going through some stuff with my best friend for the last 15 years and my mom told me tonight that I had to forget him. It's strange to think that her solution to my problem was to let go and I think she might have some of it right, but I can't do that. I can't give up on what has been the most rewarding friendship I've ever had.

It's strange. Ever since I graduated from college, I've been feeling more and more disconnected with the people around me. I don't think I've really added any new friends since then, or any close friends anyway. Well, besides my co-worker Lyneen, who basically knows everything that's going on in my life. I don't know...I've always been an extremely private person, so much so that I think I miss out on a lot of things that I wish I didn't.

I keep people at a distance where it's more comfortable if something goes wrong because it always seems like something does. And while I know it's probably that distance that causes the problem, I don't know how to change it. I know that my being distance and bottling things up caused some of what went wrong in my last relationship. I knew it while it was happening. And it certainly kept me from becoming more outgoing in college. It sometimes feels like I've built up this mask of who and what I am to everyone else that I can't possibly let it down now.

But the good news is that recognizing the problem is the first step to solving the problem. And I know that I've done somewhat better in that area recently. I'm actually keeping in touch with some friends that I don't normally call, which is a step in the right direction. I was, for a brief period of time, a texter, but I'm moving away from that. And I think I'm going to find out what my cousins are doing this weekend and see if I can meet up with them at some bar or another. I need to get out there and meet some new people because I don't want to keep feeling like I'm alone when the work day is over.

Elsewhere, march madness kicked off tonight. I watched some of the play-in game (or what I like to call "the opportunity to get your ass kicked by North Carolina" game) and it was poorly played. Well, I shouldn't say poorly played. There was a lot of effort from both teams, but neither team really had any offensive flow going. Perhaps it was good defense and perhaps it was just shoddy game planning, but I can't say that either team has a remote chance of playing more than the UNC beating that's about to come. I haven't really watched any college basketball this year and as a result, I'll probably suck when I fill in my bracket. Then again, perhaps I'll do extremely well as I'll be picking off tried and true methods like "which team has a better mascot?" and "which coach looks less like a cereal killer?" Those ones always tripped me up when I actually watched, so who knows what will happen this year.

Spring training is only 2 weeks away and the Cubbies have pretty much decided that Kerry Wood is going to be their closer. My least favorite columnist not named Skip has already bashed the idea, insisting that Carlos Marmel is the way to go. But Jay Mariotti, you don't mention in your column that you're a lunatic. If Wood fails or gets hurt, Marmel is still in position behind him. But if you give the job to Marmel and he fails, Kerry Wood isn't going to be able to pick that role up. It's just not going to work that way. Normally I don't like to praise the Cubs, but putting Kerry Wood in the closers role is one of the best ideas they've had in a long, long time. Way to go Sweet Lou.

I'm going to head down to CoMo on April 3rd. Anybody who's going to be in that area and wants to get together, let me know. I'd be glad to see you.

These strange conversations

"The circus is falling down on its knees. The big top is crumbling down. It's raining in Baltimore 15 miles east. Where you should be, no ones around." - Raining in Baltimore - The Counting Crows.

I don't know why I always turn to that song when I'm feeling blue, but it's always there for me. Perhaps it's because Adam makes my life not seem so bad. Perhaps I just got hooked on it during my college years and now I can't get rid of it.

You see, there's a darkness that hides inside of me, a place that tries to overwhelm me periodically and right now, it's doing just that. I don't know why it exists. Sometimes I feel like I just don't belong anywhere and that I'm just going through the motions of life.

Right now, I think it stems from the fact that my best friend of the last 15 years is ignoring me and I don't know why. He's done this before and while that's his choice in the matter, it really bothers me. He's always been there for me and now he's gone and I need somebody to turn to. There's nothing terribly negative going on in my life, but I always thought that we'd be friends forever and now it feels like I'm bothering him.

It's strange. We almost ended up going to school together, but he didn't want to go to Missouri and I was still in love with the idea of becoming a sports reporter, so we split then. And even though we've always ended up hanging out since then, there's been a rift between us. I don't know if I can even tell him about that, which is weird because we used to be so much alike and now I can't talk to him.

He was there for me that last time I went through some bad stuff, with Michelle and all the negativity that happened after we were over. I don't think I would have been so sanguine if he didn't help me with it, but I actually need to talk to him tonight and I can't. And it pains me to think that we're growing apart to the point where I don't get to talk to him but once a month. It's not like I've ever been a good phone person, but that's not really the point.

There are friends you have that wander in and out of your life and you have to accept them for that because that's how they are. There are friends that fit into a period of time and then you leave them and they live you and that's it. And then there are the lifers; the people you figure will always be there for you and that you would do anything for. I always put him in that category and right now it seems like I'm wrong.

***

Sorry about that. I needed to get that off my chest because it's been bothering me and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it. Thus, I'll just put it out here and see what happens. Anyway, happy St. Patrick's Day. Tis a grand day.