A moment in the sun

He hung up the phone, settling it back onto the receiver. The tears were there, building behind his dry eyes. His heart lay in pieces on the floor, a shatter memory of opening himself to another girl only to find himself back in his traditional position of lonely longing. He didn’t say anything on the phone because he couldn’t. His own words didn’t make sense to him, despite claiming to understand. He tries not to hold it against her, against someone who he thought so highly of only a few minutes before. The pressure builds behind his eyes, but there will be no tears for this one. It was only two weeks, so how could something like this hurt him so badly, so quickly? He doesn’t know. There really is no answer. He got attached, mostly because he always gets attached. He doesn’t really know any other way. The pressure builds, but there will be no tears for her. He wonders why she left him. Her excuse didn’t explain anything, and she won’t offer more than the fact that they didn’t have enough in common. He wanted to shout, to scream that she was lying, but he doesn’t have it in himself to yell. He never could. It doesn’t make any sense to him, so he goes for a walk, thinking of things that he had done wrong, of things he said wrong, or things that were just wrong. But he doesn’t find the right answers. He tries to act like a man, but it’s almost impossible. The pressure continues building, but there will be no tears tonight. He walks into his room, sits and stares at the wall. His appetite is gone. His will to do anything is gone. Only one thought consumes him. “Where did I go wrong?” The pressure builds, but there will be no tears. He absentmindedly flips through his CD collection, selecting a Ben Folds Five record to share his pain. He is alone. He swears he will never do it again. He opened up to her, sharing thoughts and ideas, sharing himself. She took it too. He wanted to hold her, to keep her close to him. He even found himself thinking positively. And, just like that, it was gone again. The pressure builds, but there will be no tears tonight. He tries to write down his thoughts, but they are jumbled and they make no sense. He doesn’t even care. It all comes down in the third person, like someone who witnessed the whole thing from the outside because that’s where he feels like he is. His happiness could only last two weeks. But she doesn’t know that. She couldn't have known that. He knows that in his heart of hearts, he will hold her responsible for the whole situation. Because he believes she chose not to like him any more. And he will believe that to the end of his life, unless she offers him a different reason that makes sense. But he doesn’t even feel like he can talk to her again; much less ask her the question that will keep him up tonight and many more nights. The pressure builds and a single tear trickles down his face. He wipes it away absentmindedly. There will be no tears for her…not tonight, or tomorrow night. He marks another name into his memory and another scar onto his still tender heart.

***

I wrote that about 5 years ago when Katherine decided that she couldn't be with me because I didn't like pop culture. I, of course, was completely clueless as to what was going to happen, and the conversation didn't really go very well.

But why do I bring it up now? Well, I think it's finally time to move on from Kristin and I know I've been saying that to myself and everyone else for the last month, but whenever things go wrong with a relationship, I always look at the previous ones and see how and why I screwed it up. Of course, that doesn't really work here with Kristin, but I suppose that's the way life goes. I don't know if I'll actually get through this tonight, or tomorrow or even the next few weeks because life doesn't work that way, but I'm tired of feeling lonely and foolish about this. So I thought that I'd open up a bit for anyone who wants to read and hopefully the emotion that my story held will make me understand that sometimes it takes a while to get through the mess and come out clean on the other side.

I hope everyone is doing well.