A moment in the sun

He hung up the phone, settling it back onto the receiver. The tears were there, building behind his dry eyes. His heart lay in pieces on the floor, a shatter memory of opening himself to another girl only to find himself back in his traditional position of lonely longing. He didn’t say anything on the phone because he couldn’t. His own words didn’t make sense to him, despite claiming to understand. He tries not to hold it against her, against someone who he thought so highly of only a few minutes before. The pressure builds behind his eyes, but there will be no tears for this one. It was only two weeks, so how could something like this hurt him so badly, so quickly? He doesn’t know. There really is no answer. He got attached, mostly because he always gets attached. He doesn’t really know any other way. The pressure builds, but there will be no tears for her. He wonders why she left him. Her excuse didn’t explain anything, and she won’t offer more than the fact that they didn’t have enough in common. He wanted to shout, to scream that she was lying, but he doesn’t have it in himself to yell. He never could. It doesn’t make any sense to him, so he goes for a walk, thinking of things that he had done wrong, of things he said wrong, or things that were just wrong. But he doesn’t find the right answers. He tries to act like a man, but it’s almost impossible. The pressure continues building, but there will be no tears tonight. He walks into his room, sits and stares at the wall. His appetite is gone. His will to do anything is gone. Only one thought consumes him. “Where did I go wrong?” The pressure builds, but there will be no tears. He absentmindedly flips through his CD collection, selecting a Ben Folds Five record to share his pain. He is alone. He swears he will never do it again. He opened up to her, sharing thoughts and ideas, sharing himself. She took it too. He wanted to hold her, to keep her close to him. He even found himself thinking positively. And, just like that, it was gone again. The pressure builds, but there will be no tears tonight. He tries to write down his thoughts, but they are jumbled and they make no sense. He doesn’t even care. It all comes down in the third person, like someone who witnessed the whole thing from the outside because that’s where he feels like he is. His happiness could only last two weeks. But she doesn’t know that. She couldn't have known that. He knows that in his heart of hearts, he will hold her responsible for the whole situation. Because he believes she chose not to like him any more. And he will believe that to the end of his life, unless she offers him a different reason that makes sense. But he doesn’t even feel like he can talk to her again; much less ask her the question that will keep him up tonight and many more nights. The pressure builds and a single tear trickles down his face. He wipes it away absentmindedly. There will be no tears for her…not tonight, or tomorrow night. He marks another name into his memory and another scar onto his still tender heart.

***

I wrote that about 5 years ago when Katherine decided that she couldn't be with me because I didn't like pop culture. I, of course, was completely clueless as to what was going to happen, and the conversation didn't really go very well.

But why do I bring it up now? Well, I think it's finally time to move on from Kristin and I know I've been saying that to myself and everyone else for the last month, but whenever things go wrong with a relationship, I always look at the previous ones and see how and why I screwed it up. Of course, that doesn't really work here with Kristin, but I suppose that's the way life goes. I don't know if I'll actually get through this tonight, or tomorrow or even the next few weeks because life doesn't work that way, but I'm tired of feeling lonely and foolish about this. So I thought that I'd open up a bit for anyone who wants to read and hopefully the emotion that my story held will make me understand that sometimes it takes a while to get through the mess and come out clean on the other side.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Life

So yeah, it's been an extremely long time since I last posted and I can't say whether or not this will be my last post, but I figured that I'd write something tonight. (Thanks for the suggestions Jack!)

Anyway, I've been working at my position at the bank for the last 5 months and I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit. The manager over there doesn't have the slightest clue as to what she's doing and needs to work on her people skills. The guy that was in charge when I started quit about a month or so and left an assistant branch manager there. She can't deal with pressure and, as a result, dumped most of it on me. Anything that goes wrong is my fault, whether I'm there or not. And that sucks. Finally, after 3 months of dealing with that, I had a meeting with her where I told her that I'm getting upset about having everything blamed on me and with the way they've been jerking my hours around and all she says is "it's going to get worse." There's a great incentive to keep working there!

To top all of that off, things have fallen apart between the softball girl and me. I don't know what happened because things were fine and then she stopped talking to me, which just pisses me off. The bad part about it is that I'm still stuck in that cycle of where I care about her and want to be around her and I know that I can't even talk to her. I deleted her phone number from my phone (trying to avoid the temptation of calling her), but I can't stop thinking about her. I spend my time at home listening to music that makes me think of her and wishing that things were different, even though I know they won't be. It just sucks. But I guess that's the way things go and there's not a damn thing I can do about them, so I'm going to pick up and move on. So there's an update for you. I'll try to make the next one better as there's a whole lot of good in this world, but I'm just not having the greatest summer.