Shine on, you crazy diamond

I think I'm a hopeless romantic. Not sure why I'm feeling that tonight. Well, perhaps I am.

You see, I went out on two dates with this girl that I met through softball. She's great, except that now she's not. Well, that's not entirely true. I still think she's great except that I don't actually hear from her any more, which means she's not really all that great and softball could be really ackward. And I don't want it to be.

She and I have a lot in common and while she is a Cubs fan, I can deal with that. I can deal with the fact that she's been hurt a lot and she's hard to get close to. I know, because I'm pretty much the same way and I think that both of our situations would dictate that we would move slowly and it would help from making the same mistake that I made with my last serious relationship. Only something happened in the last week and a half and I don't know what it was, much less where I stand.

Here's the thing. I know that I often try to portray that I know what the hell is going on and that I have at least some grasp of the situation, but when it comes to relationships, I'm completely clueless. I'm the guy who ends up scratching his head wondering where everything went wrong at the end of all of the bad relationships that I've had and I often wonder how the hell that happens. Only, down the line somewhere, I get it and attempt to learn from it so that things will go better next time.

But this girl is so private that I don't know what caused her to close me out, much less when. It sucks and I guess now I understand what Michelle went through with me from time to time. So Belle, I'm sorry for doing that to you. You didn't deserve it. I hope, if you read this, you understand that I mean that for all it's worth. Knowing, even if it's a bad knowing, is so much better than wondering where everything fell apart.

It's funny. I have this pictures in my head on how I want things to go, but I get so ahead of myself with everything and I can't wait to see them all come to fruition and then when they don't, I get all twisted up with the how and the why. On second thought, that's not really that funny. Quite the opposite, really. But I wonder if maybe I'm pressing for things when I need to just let them take their course. I really no idea why things ended this way and if I caused it or not. Guess it fits into the too aggresive category, which seems to be the way I do things lately. But I still feel that's better than the too passive category I took earlier in my life. I missed out on a lot of things that way, some of which I still regret.

On the other hand, I went out on a couple of dates with this girl a few months ago that I wasn't really interested in being more than a casual dating thing, only she got really intense about it and I had to break it off. Well, she called today to see how I was and whether I'd be interested in going out again. It's odd that I'm focused on something like the above situation and here she's doing the same, only I'm pretty sure that I told her why I didn't want to be with her. Then again, maybe she didn't want to believe what I had to say and that causes a lot of friction. It was an ackward conversation and I hope that she wasn't too upset with my declining the date.

Anyway, I hope all is well with everyone.