These strange conversations

"The circus is falling down on its knees. The big top is crumbling down. It's raining in Baltimore 15 miles east. Where you should be, no ones around." - Raining in Baltimore - The Counting Crows.

I don't know why I always turn to that song when I'm feeling blue, but it's always there for me. Perhaps it's because Adam makes my life not seem so bad. Perhaps I just got hooked on it during my college years and now I can't get rid of it.

You see, there's a darkness that hides inside of me, a place that tries to overwhelm me periodically and right now, it's doing just that. I don't know why it exists. Sometimes I feel like I just don't belong anywhere and that I'm just going through the motions of life.

Right now, I think it stems from the fact that my best friend of the last 15 years is ignoring me and I don't know why. He's done this before and while that's his choice in the matter, it really bothers me. He's always been there for me and now he's gone and I need somebody to turn to. There's nothing terribly negative going on in my life, but I always thought that we'd be friends forever and now it feels like I'm bothering him.

It's strange. We almost ended up going to school together, but he didn't want to go to Missouri and I was still in love with the idea of becoming a sports reporter, so we split then. And even though we've always ended up hanging out since then, there's been a rift between us. I don't know if I can even tell him about that, which is weird because we used to be so much alike and now I can't talk to him.

He was there for me that last time I went through some bad stuff, with Michelle and all the negativity that happened after we were over. I don't think I would have been so sanguine if he didn't help me with it, but I actually need to talk to him tonight and I can't. And it pains me to think that we're growing apart to the point where I don't get to talk to him but once a month. It's not like I've ever been a good phone person, but that's not really the point.

There are friends you have that wander in and out of your life and you have to accept them for that because that's how they are. There are friends that fit into a period of time and then you leave them and they live you and that's it. And then there are the lifers; the people you figure will always be there for you and that you would do anything for. I always put him in that category and right now it seems like I'm wrong.

***

Sorry about that. I needed to get that off my chest because it's been bothering me and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it. Thus, I'll just put it out here and see what happens. Anyway, happy St. Patrick's Day. Tis a grand day.