A moment in the sun

He hung up the phone, settling it back onto the receiver. The tears were there, building behind his dry eyes. His heart lay in pieces on the floor, a shatter memory of opening himself to another girl only to find himself back in his traditional position of lonely longing. He didn’t say anything on the phone because he couldn’t. His own words didn’t make sense to him, despite claiming to understand. He tries not to hold it against her, against someone who he thought so highly of only a few minutes before. The pressure builds behind his eyes, but there will be no tears for this one. It was only two weeks, so how could something like this hurt him so badly, so quickly? He doesn’t know. There really is no answer. He got attached, mostly because he always gets attached. He doesn’t really know any other way. The pressure builds, but there will be no tears for her. He wonders why she left him. Her excuse didn’t explain anything, and she won’t offer more than the fact that they didn’t have enough in common. He wanted to shout, to scream that she was lying, but he doesn’t have it in himself to yell. He never could. It doesn’t make any sense to him, so he goes for a walk, thinking of things that he had done wrong, of things he said wrong, or things that were just wrong. But he doesn’t find the right answers. He tries to act like a man, but it’s almost impossible. The pressure continues building, but there will be no tears tonight. He walks into his room, sits and stares at the wall. His appetite is gone. His will to do anything is gone. Only one thought consumes him. “Where did I go wrong?” The pressure builds, but there will be no tears. He absentmindedly flips through his CD collection, selecting a Ben Folds Five record to share his pain. He is alone. He swears he will never do it again. He opened up to her, sharing thoughts and ideas, sharing himself. She took it too. He wanted to hold her, to keep her close to him. He even found himself thinking positively. And, just like that, it was gone again. The pressure builds, but there will be no tears tonight. He tries to write down his thoughts, but they are jumbled and they make no sense. He doesn’t even care. It all comes down in the third person, like someone who witnessed the whole thing from the outside because that’s where he feels like he is. His happiness could only last two weeks. But she doesn’t know that. She couldn't have known that. He knows that in his heart of hearts, he will hold her responsible for the whole situation. Because he believes she chose not to like him any more. And he will believe that to the end of his life, unless she offers him a different reason that makes sense. But he doesn’t even feel like he can talk to her again; much less ask her the question that will keep him up tonight and many more nights. The pressure builds and a single tear trickles down his face. He wipes it away absentmindedly. There will be no tears for her…not tonight, or tomorrow night. He marks another name into his memory and another scar onto his still tender heart.

***

I wrote that about 5 years ago when Katherine decided that she couldn't be with me because I didn't like pop culture. I, of course, was completely clueless as to what was going to happen, and the conversation didn't really go very well.

But why do I bring it up now? Well, I think it's finally time to move on from Kristin and I know I've been saying that to myself and everyone else for the last month, but whenever things go wrong with a relationship, I always look at the previous ones and see how and why I screwed it up. Of course, that doesn't really work here with Kristin, but I suppose that's the way life goes. I don't know if I'll actually get through this tonight, or tomorrow or even the next few weeks because life doesn't work that way, but I'm tired of feeling lonely and foolish about this. So I thought that I'd open up a bit for anyone who wants to read and hopefully the emotion that my story held will make me understand that sometimes it takes a while to get through the mess and come out clean on the other side.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Life

So yeah, it's been an extremely long time since I last posted and I can't say whether or not this will be my last post, but I figured that I'd write something tonight. (Thanks for the suggestions Jack!)

Anyway, I've been working at my position at the bank for the last 5 months and I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit. The manager over there doesn't have the slightest clue as to what she's doing and needs to work on her people skills. The guy that was in charge when I started quit about a month or so and left an assistant branch manager there. She can't deal with pressure and, as a result, dumped most of it on me. Anything that goes wrong is my fault, whether I'm there or not. And that sucks. Finally, after 3 months of dealing with that, I had a meeting with her where I told her that I'm getting upset about having everything blamed on me and with the way they've been jerking my hours around and all she says is "it's going to get worse." There's a great incentive to keep working there!

To top all of that off, things have fallen apart between the softball girl and me. I don't know what happened because things were fine and then she stopped talking to me, which just pisses me off. The bad part about it is that I'm still stuck in that cycle of where I care about her and want to be around her and I know that I can't even talk to her. I deleted her phone number from my phone (trying to avoid the temptation of calling her), but I can't stop thinking about her. I spend my time at home listening to music that makes me think of her and wishing that things were different, even though I know they won't be. It just sucks. But I guess that's the way things go and there's not a damn thing I can do about them, so I'm going to pick up and move on. So there's an update for you. I'll try to make the next one better as there's a whole lot of good in this world, but I'm just not having the greatest summer.

Shine on, you crazy diamond

I think I'm a hopeless romantic. Not sure why I'm feeling that tonight. Well, perhaps I am.

You see, I went out on two dates with this girl that I met through softball. She's great, except that now she's not. Well, that's not entirely true. I still think she's great except that I don't actually hear from her any more, which means she's not really all that great and softball could be really ackward. And I don't want it to be.

She and I have a lot in common and while she is a Cubs fan, I can deal with that. I can deal with the fact that she's been hurt a lot and she's hard to get close to. I know, because I'm pretty much the same way and I think that both of our situations would dictate that we would move slowly and it would help from making the same mistake that I made with my last serious relationship. Only something happened in the last week and a half and I don't know what it was, much less where I stand.

Here's the thing. I know that I often try to portray that I know what the hell is going on and that I have at least some grasp of the situation, but when it comes to relationships, I'm completely clueless. I'm the guy who ends up scratching his head wondering where everything went wrong at the end of all of the bad relationships that I've had and I often wonder how the hell that happens. Only, down the line somewhere, I get it and attempt to learn from it so that things will go better next time.

But this girl is so private that I don't know what caused her to close me out, much less when. It sucks and I guess now I understand what Michelle went through with me from time to time. So Belle, I'm sorry for doing that to you. You didn't deserve it. I hope, if you read this, you understand that I mean that for all it's worth. Knowing, even if it's a bad knowing, is so much better than wondering where everything fell apart.

It's funny. I have this pictures in my head on how I want things to go, but I get so ahead of myself with everything and I can't wait to see them all come to fruition and then when they don't, I get all twisted up with the how and the why. On second thought, that's not really that funny. Quite the opposite, really. But I wonder if maybe I'm pressing for things when I need to just let them take their course. I really no idea why things ended this way and if I caused it or not. Guess it fits into the too aggresive category, which seems to be the way I do things lately. But I still feel that's better than the too passive category I took earlier in my life. I missed out on a lot of things that way, some of which I still regret.

On the other hand, I went out on a couple of dates with this girl a few months ago that I wasn't really interested in being more than a casual dating thing, only she got really intense about it and I had to break it off. Well, she called today to see how I was and whether I'd be interested in going out again. It's odd that I'm focused on something like the above situation and here she's doing the same, only I'm pretty sure that I told her why I didn't want to be with her. Then again, maybe she didn't want to believe what I had to say and that causes a lot of friction. It was an ackward conversation and I hope that she wasn't too upset with my declining the date.

Anyway, I hope all is well with everyone.

Back to my old man ways

Yeah, that's right. I've managed to hurt myself again. Normally, I would play some sport or another and the next day I would feel like I was 90 and I couldn't move around in bed. Of course, that wouldn't stop me from asking everyone if they wanted to play ultimate that day.

But this time, I don't know what I've done. My left knee is a bit swollen and feels tight whenever I bend it. I don't know how I did this either. It felt fine two weeks ago until last Sunday (the Cub sweeping the Sox weekend, not the most recent one where the Sox returned the favor) when I was tossing the frisbee around the backyard with my brother, my sister and her friend. I could feel a few twinges, but it didn't feel like anything serious. Next thing I knew, my knee was swollen and I couldn't bend it without pain. I had no lift in my legs and no burst (if you will) when I tried to jump. How do I know this? Well, I tried to play basketball on it. Not the greatest decision I've ever had, but it didn't feel too bad and I played with a brace. Then I went out and played two games of softball the next day.

It was feeling better this morning, but after 18 holes of golf (I shot a solid 99 which isn't bad after a two year layoff) and two hours of basketball, it hurts like hell. I guess I deserve that one though.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a wonderful week thus far and that their 4th plans are both fun and safe. Peace up, A-town down.

Bonita, bonita que ta?

Excuse me please, one more drink. Will you make it strong so I don't have to think?

Yeah, it's been that type of week this week. The bank I work at has lost a couple of people I respect a lot and the direction of senior management really has me scratching my head. On top of that, because my manager left, the assistant branch manager is losing her mind and she's piling her stress down on me. So work has been brutal all week long and it hasn't left me in the mood for writing.

A Bed of California Stars

I was stood up yesterday and I still can't believe it. It's a strange sensation, that doubt that sits in my gut as I check the time and see that it's way past when she said she'd call, only I'm hoping there's an excuse, something to make it okay. It's not the first time I've been stood up and I'm sure I've been stood up by better people, but this one isn't going away like the last few have. Sometimes I just laugh and forgot about it and things move on the way they do. And while I was excited about seeing this girl, I'm also excited about playing softball with a girl that I've had a thing for, so I can't say that this was an end-all, be-all sort of moment. But I can't escape the feeling that there was something here and that I'm still all messed up about it. I know that I'm frustrated and I know that I can't understand the idea that it could possibly okay to just never call someone and let everything go. I'm sure there's a reason, something that makes people do that sort of thing, but I just can't wrap my head around it. If it's just that you don't want to see me, fine. Tell me that. I'll be okay with it. Seriously. I don't have to have a sugar-coated excuse that I'll see through in a second. It hurts less to know it than to hear nothing. That's the worst. And that's where I am. Still. It's been more than 24 hours now and I still haven't heard a peep from her. I want to say something but I know that I shouldn't, so I'm going to delete her phone number and walk away and hope things play out where I don't ever run into her again. And that's been my day.

Good point

After reading your comments to my last post, I'm willing to concede a few things.

First of all, you're right Dave. You make a good point that it really wouldn't be a deal breaker. I think I'd probably take it as a negative point, but it wouldn't cause me to walk away completely. And, to some extent, you're right about a car being a car Michelle. I don't completely agree with it being just a tool as a car is more important than a pair of shoes or a top. It's easier to change something when it costs $100 or less than a $20,000 investment. But when push comes to shove, it really isn't something to get too worked up over. I think I was being a little too particular that day and it came across as absolute. So thank you both for making me rethink those comments. I'm willing to admit that sometimes I make statements that I'd like to take back and that's going to be one of them.

This weekend was pretty good. Caleb came into town to watch the NFL draft and then we headed out to DeKalb to watch Hairbanger's Ball. They're an 80s cover band, which really isn't my music of choice, but HB really does a great job with the covers. They know their stuff and they put on a great show. In fact, they're so popular that one of my friends had to wait an hour to get in to the bar because it was at capacity. The show was good but the band was missing two members, so they were kind of limited in what they could play. All in all, still a good time and worth the $5 admission.

Well, I hope everyone is having a good one.

Car type?

Perhaps I'm just conceited, but I think I couldn't date someone if they drive a certain type of car. I know, it sounds horrible to say that, but driving home today from my parents house when I saw a fairly good looking young woman driving a vw bug. Now, like I said, she was pretty good looking, but I don't think I'd ever date her because she drives a bug. It's not the worst car out there (yeah, I'm talking to you PT Cruiser and Scion XB), but I don't think I'd ever want to be seen driving around in one of them and I wouldn't want to be seen riding in one. I guess I'm just particular like that.

I've been getting like that about beer too. I used to be able to drink Miller Lite and it was no big deal. But lately I can't finish more than 2 Lites before it starts to make me feel sick. I don't know why it is, but I just can't drink that stuff any more. I will say that drinking Boulevard certain didn't help my opinion of the quality of Miller Lite, as Boulevard is super delicious.

I was just thinking

I'm not sure if I've talked about this yet, but I have only two days left at my current position at my bank. I've been promoted, which is something I've been looking for lately. I'm going to be in charge of a gruop of tellers, which is both exciting and slightly scary. I know that this is the right step for me because I'm really sure that I want to do something more and I'm pretty damn sure that has nothing to do with the bank. But this will give me supervisory experience, which definently can't hurt. Wish me luck...

If there's a doubt, well, we'll be strong...

After an amazing weekend, I'm back to the greater Chicago area. Not much to say really. I had a few interesting experiences, highlighted by a chance to sit inside the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile and a chance encounter (I love that phrase) with one Ms. Shannon. Perhaps a bit about bother would be uplifting, as both stories are somewhat intertwined.

On Friday night last week, Caleb and I went to watch some Mizzou baseball. The Tigers beat the Oklahoma State Cowboys 3-0, but that's really neither here nor there. During that game, one of Caleb's friends (Matt) from his baseball Hall of Fame internship days called him to let him know that one of his friends (Matt's) was in Columbia and she was going to call us to find something to do while she was there. So we end up hitting up Tellers when we finished with the game and this girl Stephanie ends up meeting us up there. Now, Stephanie works for Oscar Meyer as a driver of the Weiner Mobile. I didn't know that until Caleb started asking her questions about it. She gave us the typical details about her job and let us know that she was going to be at Sam's Club tomorrow in the event that we would come entertain her and her driving partner (or "road husband"). Anyway, we had an extra ticket to the Cards game the next day, so we invited her to skip work and head to the 'Lou with us. She did.

While we were at Tellers, I glance out the window and spot Shannon. I hadn't seen her since the infamous Senior Prom Night (not the greatest night for some of us, better for others) back in '04, so I ran out of Tellers to grab her. Somehow I managed to be in town when she was having 80s Prom Night with her friends, so she was dressed accordingly. That girl has some incredible taste in clothing. Anyway, long story short, we determined to meet up the next night.

Once we got back from the Cards game, we decided to head up the Duece for some more drinks, then back to On The Rocks before going to El Rancho at 1 something in the morning. Anyway, most of our members were a little tipsy, so Stephanie and her partner Nick invited us to come chill in the Weiner Mobile for a little bit before we headed home. We got wonderful door prizes (whistle & singing key chain included!). If I get pictures sent to me, I shall gladly post them on-line.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I hope everyone is wonderful.