The Truth of Dreams

Seems like I can never get to sleep when I really need to. I was exhausted last night, but my brain wouldn't shut off. It almost never seemed like a problem before, but lately, for whatever reason, I can't go to sleep right away. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if I'm well into my cups, as my mother would say. For example, when everybody left Bandito's house on Friday night around 3 in the morning, I was still wide awake and I sat there for another hour just thinking.

Anyway, last nights thoughts mostly focused on who I am and the choices that I've made. And I've come to the following conclusions:

1 - I'm thinking about moving. Maybe to Austin, because it was so awesome to see all of my friends this weekend and to see how great they are together and how much they care for each other. Also possible destinations include Seattle, Denver and San Diego. I think I just picked those out of a hat (except for Seattle, which I've always loved). I'd also like to move to Ireland, but that might not be very feasible. I think I've been thinking about this mostly because my friends here haven't exactly been friendly lately and I miss having people care about me. And while that's a semi-selfish statement, I think I've been giving a lot and not getting anything back. All my friends have flowers in their eyes and I got none this season.

2 - I think that I want more adventure in my life and I blame it all directly on Bandito, T-Rex and the Lady K. Damn them and their invigorating joy towards living. Well, maybe not damn them. But their obvious zest for the parts of life they enjoy, the music, adventures and books, respectively, makes me want to enjoy those parts of life more. And I know that life is all about growing and finding new things and enjoying them, but it also made me come to another realization.

3 - I am incredibly malleable. And not in a good way. I realize this more and more that I pick up things from other people and wrap them into who I am. I'm totally disappointed in this. I always wanted to be something different, but my creativity lies more in riffing off what others do and I feel let down. I don't know. Maybe I just need to tap into a new source and find another outlet. I've been thinking about taking up painting, except that I know that I can't draw a straight line to save my life. The good news is that my boss gave me a journal for my early Christmas present, so I'll have a new place to start there.