It breaks my head every time it leads me on...

I'm not really sure why I'm doing this again except that I guess I wanted to start recording my thoughts in some sort of daily journal. I've been listening to a lot of music and reading other people's ideas and I think that I won't make a complete and utter fool of myself this time. But only time can tell.

Mostly, I started writing tonight because I've heard a Five for Fighting song. And despite some of my friends compete hatred for that band, the song actually meant something to me. It actually touched me, not in some stupid pop sort of way, but rather with a sense of this means something. I'm still in shock that music can do this to me. After spending so much time sitting in my room listening to it, figuring out chords and how they fit together and meeting people who know so much more than I ever will about music, I figured I was immune to the way things were written. Especially newer music, which I tend to think of as rubbish more often than not. I'm sure that most people don't share that opinion, but I, for the most part, can't stand the new music on the radio. In fact, I don't listen to the radio any more. I hardly buy new CDs. Which is why I surprised myself when I purchased The Battle for Everything, the FIF Cd. I gave it a couple of listens before putting it aside, never really putting much thought into it. But I happened to catch If God Made You on the suffle of the mp3 player and I listened to it again. I'm not sure if it was just the timing of the situation meshing with things I was feeling in my life, but I just felt moved. Like the words connected perfectly to the emotions that I was going through at the time, despite the fact that there really isn't one person in my life that I'm in love with and the song is a love song. I'm not really sure why it fits with me, but I felt more complete. And I've been listening to it a lot for the last week or so when I felt like I had to put something into words. I don't feel like I'm doing the feeling justice, by any means, but it had to be out there.

So yeah, I guess I'm going to keep this going for a while and hopefully it will help me get over the feeling that I'm wasting something. I have so much that should make me happy, but I look at the lifes of some of the people I knew and it feels like I don't accomplish anything. And I know it's not because they're out there doing more things than I am because I've never really cared about being that person out there all the time. I just feel like they've all moved onto something newer and better and I've been left behind. My friends here are great but they're busy with their lives and I spend a lot of my time wondering what I'm doing with my life. And I read a comment by someone that I used to have a crush on that looking into the past is for losers, which sort of makes sense and sort of crushes me at the same time. I realize now that things never would have worked out between said crushee and myself, but it still hurts me for some reason. I'm not really sure why that is. I guess I need to contemplate this more before I can answer that question. You, whomever may be reading this, are more than welcome to answer that question for me.